Wisdom has it that when faced with a
bad situation, you can either cry about it, or laugh. As a writer, I
can go one better and write about it.
Right now I'm virtually homeless. Can't
afford gas to run the generator (for heat and computer) up at my land
so I'm staying at a friend's house. Unfortunately, my buddy is the
Beta roommate. The Alpha roommate (the lease is in his name) sits on
the couch, watches sports (screaming at the TV) and orders me and my
buddy around. Mostly cleaning. Mostly cleaning we were already doing
or about to do. For instance today's exchange:
"I've got to go up to my land and
water the yaks. Before I go, I'm going to walk the dogs, put two of
them in the car and then tend Bushi's wound," I tell my buddy
CK. "Can I borrow the vacuum? I'll run it over the rug after I
get the dogs in the truck.
Three minutes later, the Alpha Roommate
(AR) comes out as I'm applying meds to Bushi (who got in an
unfortunate incident with a yak). "You know we gotta vacuum the
house."
"Yes, I was getting the dogs
outside so I could do just that," I say.
Pretty much every hour he'll tell us
what we're doing inadequately, give us instructions on something to
do that we already planned. I could let it bug me. Or I could:
Ask How My Characters Would Handle
the Situation
Hailey probably wouldn't get in that
situation in the first place. She's got a host of supporters, and if
she needed a place to stay, she wouldn't have trouble finding one
with someone who didn't drive her batty. However assuming she did,
she'd probably make a cup of tea and sit down with the AR and have a
heart to heart about the fact that he was driving her bonkers.
Willa, only sixteen, would probably
just let him steamroll her the way I'm doing. (What can I say, I just
don't want to make waves? I desperately NEED somewhere to stay at the
moment.) Being snarkier than I am, though, she might come up with
some lovely comments under her breath.
Storm or Jiana, both herbalists, would
probably slip something into his whiskey. He'd be in the bathroom too
much to bother me.
D'hara, well she's an assassin by
trade. Which brings me to my next idea for turning an annoying
situation into writing fodder.
Well I obviously don't want to kill AR.
Not for real. He hasn't done me any real harm, and he's actually a
decent guy. Plus I have the benefit of knowing that I can actually
get out of here eventually. But thinking on the many methods of his
potential death isn't just therapeutic, it might even lead to a story
down the road.
Can I see a roommate being driven so
buggy that they eventually commit murder? Well it might be called
"justifiable homicide".
So let me count the ways...
He chews snuff. Hellebore is about the
same color. My character would need to shred the stuff up pretty fine
to match the consistency.
He drinks a lot of whiskey. Hellebore
tea mixed in with? Is there another plant that'd be less likely for
him to taste or less likely to show up on an autopsy? Darn, I used to
have a copy of
Deadly Doses: A Writer's Guide to Poisons. Drat, it burned in the
house fire. I'll need to get a new copy.
AR has a touchy stomach and doesn't eat
much or consistently, so poisoning the food is out. Besides, there's
a steady stream of buddies coming over to hang out and watch sports
and they might get poisoned by mistake. Or worse, he might feed some
of it to his dog, and then my character would feel guilty for the
rest of her natural life.
He takes regular baths to relieve his
gout, so there might be some potential there. My character could just
enter the bathroom while he's bathing and drown his butt. However
though he's small and wiry, she probably wouldn't be able to
overpower him. But maybe gift him with a radio so that he can catch
his the scores then knock that sucker into the tub?
Or just rig his TV to explode the
moment the Patriots came on screen? That just might work. Okay it'd
take more technical knowledge than I have but it must be doable! Back
to researching!
Invent a Character Who Contemplates
Murder
Maybe as part of another plot, I don't
need to actually kill off the roommate. Just have a character who
spends her spare time contemplating murdering her roommate. I can
start with the above list and build from there.
It's probably been done before
but...don't you dare steal this one, I might actually use it!
View It From His Side
Much as it spoils the fun of
contemplating murder most foul, I could write a scene, or even a
whole story based on what he's potentially dealing with. First I
could start with his personality - Monk on steroids. Maybe he grew up
in a messy house. Or maybe it's his ex wife's fault. Perhaps he's
been in prison, or the navy, and the only time he felt safe was when
he was spit-shining his shoes. Now the only thing that make my OCD
Control Freak character happy is a clean house.
Roommate's crazy friend moves into his
spare bedroom, toting three pit bulls and two cats. Landlady's coming
and the house needs to be spotless. But there's Thunder Puppy banging
at the door and scraping the wood to kindling. The cat's are howling
in the middle of the night to their lady-loves outside. The other
dog's leaking blood across the carpet. And my character's useless
roommate won't toss the chick out on her ass. (Is it really that bad?
No. But this is fiction, right?)
So next time you're in a situation
that's driving you up a wall, don't let it get to you. Slam the door
on your annoying roommate, tell your hubby to take a chill-pill, give
your mom some Valium and pull out your trusty
best-friend-and-therapist the computer, and turn your troubles into
fodder for your stories.
